Yeah, and none of the ghosts can give us a straight fucking answer.
[ SIGH. ] It's staring us in the face, I'm sure.
[ she sits down next to him, throwing the notebook on the floor. ] I don't know what to do next. It just feels like we're waiting for the weekend every week. To see who fucking dies next.
[there's a slight pause, there; he rarely discusses this, but it's... easier, with her.]
And because I want to see that man dead, for what he did to da-ge. He changed my entire life just because he felt threatened. He knew my brother could tell what sort of person he truly was, made sure he died for it to keep his own position secure, installed me in his place because I wasn't going to be a threat to his power-- I wanted to see his face when he realized that killing Nie Mingjue was the worst mistake he could have made.
[...and then he just sort of breathes out, idly adding as he toys with the fan in his free hand:]
[ she makes sure she's holding his hand as he talks about this, expression thoughtful. spite, he says, and she squeezes his hand, nodding. ]
I don't know if I can get any spite for this, but. If I don't do it, it may never happen is a good reason, I think. [ a pause. ] I'm proud of you, you know? That's a big fucking thing to take on by yourself.
...his memory helped me. Reminded me why I was working for it in the first place. Maybe theirs will help you.
[he might not personally care about, well, most of the dead, but they've still lost enough. he still would love to get their collective hands on who's made them live in fear of every weekend.
...the smile she gets at saying she's proud of him is a little thin, though.]
It was the only option I had. I-
[a pause, there, a little sigh.]
I wouldn't be too proud of me for some of the things I've done.
[ the memory of the dead is a big reason for her, too - for anya, most of all, because nobody deserved a death like that less than her. ]
I mean, I'm not stupid, babe. I know you've done shitty things. So have I. Things I'm not proud of, things I regret. And I know there's shit I don't like about what you did, but I respect what it took for you to get there and go there.
[ she glances over at him. ] Don't undermine what I'm saying to you. There's no fucking sugarcoating going on. I mean what I said.
[it's just habit, he thinks. he's worked for so long to undermine himself, to maintain this image of uselessness. he really never imagined...
it isn't easy to tell what he's thinking by looking at him, especially when he starts-- laughing, actually, soft and breathy, the helpless kind of laugh that comes out when unsure of how else to react. his arm drapes over his eyes, keeping them hidden as he exhales and manages to speak.]
It really is-- so unfair, Beau. To have met you here, of all places...
[-because he has someone who really sees him, who respects and has pride in him despite that, and he can't keep it.]
[ her expression softens, when he laughs. the mask on her face sort of - shivers, and if he looks, a bit of gold shimmers in the cracks of her mask.
she thinks about what she's told people here - go for it, take it, because you never know when you're going to get happiness again - and wishes, for a long moment, that things were just a little different. that she could tweak reality just enough. but she can't, and this is all she can do, and so she smiles, sad, and strokes nie huaisang's hand. ]
Yeah. You're right. [ she says, voice low and rough. ] It really is unfair.
[ she catches sight of his mask, and it only makes her pause for a second before she settles. it doesn't matter. she can't pull away now, so she doesn't. ]
Yeah. We have it for now. [ she agrees, with a slow, steadying sigh. ] I'll keep it with me.
Will you really be all right, if you do? At least make sure you know who you'd be taking care of first...
[he's frowning slightly as he peers at her, there-- and then he sighs.]
I should too, but I'm really not... the best choice in a fight. It's a risk, even if I could handle it.
[because he really could do that for most here, without being too affected. it's just that he's not an accomplished enough fighter to be sure he wouldn't get hurt every time, and the existing injuries don't help.]
I can't, if it's Phoenix. I know that much. I wouldn't - I'd break.
[ she'd do it. she'd do it for him, like she'd do it for nie huaisang, but. deep breath. ]
I don't want you to put yourself at risk anymore than you already do. I'm built for this, you know? I do this at home, I take all the damage and spit it right back out.
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[he takes in that explanation, though...
then sighs in frustration, just- falling back against the bed.]
Then we aren't blocked from it. I- we must be missing something.
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[ SIGH. ] It's staring us in the face, I'm sure.
[ she sits down next to him, throwing the notebook on the floor. ] I don't know what to do next. It just feels like we're waiting for the weekend every week. To see who fucking dies next.
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[that they don't know enough. he just huffs out a breath, staying close.]
It's a little infuriating sometimes, Beau.
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[ a beat. ] How do you keep going? You've been moving for years. [ like ten years. ]
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[there's a slight pause, there; he rarely discusses this, but it's... easier, with her.]
And because I want to see that man dead, for what he did to da-ge. He changed my entire life just because he felt threatened. He knew my brother could tell what sort of person he truly was, made sure he died for it to keep his own position secure, installed me in his place because I wasn't going to be a threat to his power-- I wanted to see his face when he realized that killing Nie Mingjue was the worst mistake he could have made.
[...and then he just sort of breathes out, idly adding as he toys with the fan in his free hand:]
So, spite, I suppose.
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I don't know if I can get any spite for this, but. If I don't do it, it may never happen is a good reason, I think. [ a pause. ] I'm proud of you, you know? That's a big fucking thing to take on by yourself.
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[he might not personally care about, well, most of the dead, but they've still lost enough. he still would love to get their collective hands on who's made them live in fear of every weekend.
...the smile she gets at saying she's proud of him is a little thin, though.]
It was the only option I had. I-
[a pause, there, a little sigh.]
I wouldn't be too proud of me for some of the things I've done.
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I mean, I'm not stupid, babe. I know you've done shitty things. So have I. Things I'm not proud of, things I regret. And I know there's shit I don't like about what you did, but I respect what it took for you to get there and go there.
[ she glances over at him. ] Don't undermine what I'm saying to you. There's no fucking sugarcoating going on. I mean what I said.
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it isn't easy to tell what he's thinking by looking at him, especially when he starts-- laughing, actually, soft and breathy, the helpless kind of laugh that comes out when unsure of how else to react. his arm drapes over his eyes, keeping them hidden as he exhales and manages to speak.]
It really is-- so unfair, Beau. To have met you here, of all places...
[-because he has someone who really sees him, who respects and has pride in him despite that, and he can't keep it.]
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she thinks about what she's told people here - go for it, take it, because you never know when you're going to get happiness again - and wishes, for a long moment, that things were just a little different. that she could tweak reality just enough. but she can't, and this is all she can do, and so she smiles, sad, and strokes nie huaisang's hand. ]
Yeah. You're right. [ she says, voice low and rough. ] It really is unfair.
I'm sorry we can't have this for longer.
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she strokes his hand, and he shifts to hold hers in both of his own, like maybe if he just holds on it'll make things different.
in the end, he'll be able to let go. it'll be fine. but... it'll be different. there'll be an empty space there.
but then he's used to living that way.]
...we have it for now.
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Yeah. We have it for now. [ she agrees, with a slow, steadying sigh. ] I'll keep it with me.
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[he's quiet for a few moments, there, before he looks back to her.]
I spoke to Miss Peach, by the way. About our agreement-- I asked if it could be honored, if the request was made in advance.
She'll see to it.
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Good. I told Hunter about it, and he seemed relieved. [ she laces their fingers together again. ] He said he probably couldn't do it.
I need to volunteer. I can't see another kid nearly die because they got randomly picked.
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[he's frowning slightly as he peers at her, there-- and then he sighs.]
I should too, but I'm really not... the best choice in a fight. It's a risk, even if I could handle it.
[because he really could do that for most here, without being too affected. it's just that he's not an accomplished enough fighter to be sure he wouldn't get hurt every time, and the existing injuries don't help.]
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I can't, if it's Phoenix. I know that much. I wouldn't - I'd break.
[ she'd do it. she'd do it for him, like she'd do it for nie huaisang, but. deep breath. ]
I don't want you to put yourself at risk anymore than you already do. I'm built for this, you know? I do this at home, I take all the damage and spit it right back out.