It's our home in Qinghe... I really don't know why it was named like that, though, I had nothing to do with it-! Maybe because of our Sect's founder...? It really was nothing like the name suggests, I promise.
[it was a very nice place! just, wow, what an unfortunate name.]
I couldn't possibly go against my ancestors like that-! They would slap me so hard I'd still feel it in my next life!
[HE'S ALREADY A TERRIBLE NIE!!]
We're supposed to oversee the workings of the Sect, participate in conferences and negotiations, ensure all the disciples are well-trained, take care of problems within the area we oversee...
[ Your ancestors picked a shitty name and you'd be helping them by changing it.
But none of these duties necessarily involve fighting, which is what he was assuming considering that Jin Ling's main gripe about Nie Huaisang is that he doesn't like fighting, Ayabe was assuming something more military, like he's supposed to be a war general. ]
That sound like things you'd do well in, taking care of people. [ Jin Ling? He's only seen him be concerned over Jin Ling, but he counts as people too. ]
And you're not alone in doing all of that, are you? You have people to help?
I'm terrible at training and diplomacy, though, and if we were ever attacked I'd be truly useless...
[his sect is pretty martial, he's just. avoiding the subject, a little.]
But I have advisors-- oh, and I have Brother Xichen and Brother Guangyao, they've truly been indispensable! Even if they have their own Sects to look after...
[ He has help, which he sort of sounds like he needs a lot of, but the main point is that he has people there willing to guide him along and fill in the gaps, and that's what makes Ayabe nod to himself. ]
That's good. Hang onto those people who can help you, especially in an unfair position like you're in. I sort of get it.
[ Only sort of, because how can he compare to the position of a sect leader? His position as a big brother, at least, is taking care of people, disciplining them, taking care of problem, in general ensuring the well-being of the house and everybody in it. The difference is that he's capable. ]
I'm the eldest of all my siblings, so I was forced to be the head of the household since I was young. I never asked for that sort of responsibility. It made me a little bitter... and in the end, I ran away from that responsibility. I regret it, now.
[Oh. That definitely catches him a little off-guard, and Nie Huaisang is quiet for several moments.]
It's... quite the responsibility.
[A pause, before he manages to continue.]
My elder brother-- he took on something similar. Father died in battle when we were both young, and he had to care for me all while acting as Sect Leader, even during a war. I really don't know how he managed it, but I... truly relied on him.
[ He shrugs, a little helplessly, because...it's a yes and no. It's been a while since he left, after all, but it was on his own volition- he just doesn't know if he would be welcomed back, and that fear is enough to keep him where he is. ]
I'm scared to. But I want to, because I still love my family... Your brother, too, did everything that he could to take care of you, no matter how tough things got, because he loved you too. That sort of motivation, I have no doubt.
He did. I know he did. Even when we argued, when I pushed back against him, I... I knew afterward that he was just trying to do what he thought was best.
[There's another pause, there, and he finally brings his pen to the page, idly sketching something.]
If you love them, and if they're still there, then go. We didn't have nearly as much time as I thought we would.
[ There's a glance down at the page, but then he looks away, staring at the flowers before him. Nie Huaisang's brother is dead. Ayabe... is starting to believe he won't make it out of this place either, that he will die here and never be able to go home and see his family and that will be his regret. ]
...I need to survive, and to leave this place first. We all do. We all have people waiting for us back home.
[ He hums in the back of his throat like he doesn't believe so- that they care- and he feels a bit awkward about going back just to be "hey, friendly reminder: I love you!" or something like that. ]
I hope we can all go back. You too. You have people who need you.
[ He has to be able to leave this place first!! He hasn't seen his siblings in over a year, he's had no contact with them in all that time, he's probably already dead to them. ]
Those sorts of positions usually do have a planned successor, huh?
[ Got to be, for the sake of running a sect. It shouldn't have anything to do with wanting to replace Nie Huaisang, just that they have t. ]
...in a way. I wasn't guaranteed to take over for him-- two of the other Sects supported me as his replacement, though, and GusuLan and LanlingJin held too much sway for QingheNie to refuse me.
[maybe it would've been easier if they had, though, in a few ways...
That's even better- you have people who believed you would do a good job.
[ People who supported him, versus making him the head just because he's the younger brother, shouldn't that do anything for Nie Huiasang's confidence? ]
They were both his sworn brothers, of course they had to support me. I really did think they both wanted me there... because of that.
[another headshake, there, as he finishes up the sketch; he doesn't acknowledge the suggestion aloud, but he does start drawing a second figure, so he seems to have listened.]
[ They didn't have to, he wants to say, but what does he know of Ancient Chinese sects? He's quiet for a while, watching Nie Huaisang draw, and then, hesitant, because this is probably an extremely disrespectful question regardless of his intention. ]
If you could, would you let somebody else take over? It seems like you would be so much happier doing something else.
[He doesn't seem offended by the question; it just gets a faint smile from him, though it doesn't reach his eyes.]
I would be, but... I can't let someone else take over.
[The version of himself he's adding to the portrait isn't his current self, though. It's a younger Nie Huaisang, with shorter hair, slightly different clothes, a brighter smile-- but still with a fan in hand.]
[ He probes, but gently, more than happy to back off if Nie Huaisang doesn't want to talk about it. It's a tough job and he probably feels ill equipped for it, but... there's responsibility, and he can't run away from it because he holds the people in his sect above his own happiness. Maybe it's something like that, no matter how much either of them wishes he could go back to a simpler time, where he could smile next to his brother like that. ]
I'm really not in a position to have much pride, I think...
[Considering his-- well. Everything. Nobody respects him, nobody trusts he can do his job, he's well-known for knowing nothing. There's not any pride in that.
He adds a little detail to the fan, drawing mountains onto it.]
[ If he were downright terrible at his job, he would have been overthrown already. Or assassinated. Or something.
The point is, being tolerable isn't too bad either. ]
You're too hard on yourself. [ There's Jin Ling calling him useless, but let's face it, Jin Ling has such a low opinion of everybody besides himself and his uncle, so Ayabe's forced to take that assessment with a grain of salt too. ]
But it's your connection to your family, and you don't want to lose that. I get it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[it was a very nice place! just, wow, what an unfortunate name.]
no subject
[ Just. hm!! He will give Nie Huaisang the benefit of the doubt ]
Can you change the name, since you're the sect leader now? I don't really know what you do as sect leader. ...What sect leaders do, in general.
[ NOT IMPLYING THAT HE DOES NOTHING AS SECT LEADER ]
no subject
[HE'S ALREADY A TERRIBLE NIE!!]
We're supposed to oversee the workings of the Sect, participate in conferences and negotiations, ensure all the disciples are well-trained, take care of problems within the area we oversee...
[a long sigh.]
It really is so much work.
no subject
But none of these duties necessarily involve fighting, which is what he was assuming considering that Jin Ling's main gripe about Nie Huaisang is that he doesn't like fighting, Ayabe was assuming something more military, like he's supposed to be a war general. ]
That sound like things you'd do well in, taking care of people. [ Jin Ling? He's only seen him be concerned over Jin Ling, but he counts as people too. ]
And you're not alone in doing all of that, are you? You have people to help?
no subject
[his sect is pretty martial, he's just. avoiding the subject, a little.]
But I have advisors-- oh, and I have Brother Xichen and Brother Guangyao, they've truly been indispensable! Even if they have their own Sects to look after...
no subject
That's good. Hang onto those people who can help you, especially in an unfair position like you're in. I sort of get it.
[ Only sort of, because how can he compare to the position of a sect leader? His position as a big brother, at least, is taking care of people, disciplining them, taking care of problem, in general ensuring the well-being of the house and everybody in it. The difference is that he's capable. ]
I'm the eldest of all my siblings, so I was forced to be the head of the household since I was young. I never asked for that sort of responsibility. It made me a little bitter... and in the end, I ran away from that responsibility. I regret it, now.
no subject
It's... quite the responsibility.
[A pause, before he manages to continue.]
My elder brother-- he took on something similar. Father died in battle when we were both young, and he had to care for me all while acting as Sect Leader, even during a war. I really don't know how he managed it, but I... truly relied on him.
Is it too late to go back, if you regret it?
no subject
[ He shrugs, a little helplessly, because...it's a yes and no. It's been a while since he left, after all, but it was on his own volition- he just doesn't know if he would be welcomed back, and that fear is enough to keep him where he is. ]
I'm scared to. But I want to, because I still love my family... Your brother, too, did everything that he could to take care of you, no matter how tough things got, because he loved you too. That sort of motivation, I have no doubt.
no subject
[There's another pause, there, and he finally brings his pen to the page, idly sketching something.]
If you love them, and if they're still there, then go. We didn't have nearly as much time as I thought we would.
no subject
...I need to survive, and to leave this place first. We all do. We all have people waiting for us back home.
no subject
We do. I- really do hope you're able to make it back to them, young master Ayabe.
I'm sure they know you care, but you really should go home and remind them.
no subject
I hope we can all go back. You too. You have people who need you.
no subject
...they'd find a replacement Sect Leader, I'm sure. I won't be surprised if they've had one in mind.
[The portrait's a little clearer, as he works-- it's this guy.]
no subject
Those sorts of positions usually do have a planned successor, huh?
[ Got to be, for the sake of running a sect. It shouldn't have anything to do with wanting to replace Nie Huaisang, just that they have t. ]
...Who are you drawing? Is this your brother?
no subject
[maybe it would've been easier if they had, though, in a few ways...
He nods at the question, though.]
Yes. Nie Mingjue.
no subject
[ People who supported him, versus making him the head just because he's the younger brother, shouldn't that do anything for Nie Huiasang's confidence? ]
...Can you draw yourself? Next to him.
no subject
[another headshake, there, as he finishes up the sketch; he doesn't acknowledge the suggestion aloud, but he does start drawing a second figure, so he seems to have listened.]
no subject
If you could, would you let somebody else take over? It seems like you would be so much happier doing something else.
no subject
I would be, but... I can't let someone else take over.
[The version of himself he's adding to the portrait isn't his current self, though. It's a younger Nie Huaisang, with shorter hair, slightly different clothes, a brighter smile-- but still with a fan in hand.]
no subject
[ He probes, but gently, more than happy to back off if Nie Huaisang doesn't want to talk about it. It's a tough job and he probably feels ill equipped for it, but... there's responsibility, and he can't run away from it because he holds the people in his sect above his own happiness. Maybe it's something like that, no matter how much either of them wishes he could go back to a simpler time, where he could smile next to his brother like that. ]
no subject
[Considering his-- well. Everything. Nobody respects him, nobody trusts he can do his job, he's well-known for knowing nothing. There's not any pride in that.
He adds a little detail to the fan, drawing mountains onto it.]
Family might be the closest.
no subject
The point is, being tolerable isn't too bad either. ]
You're too hard on yourself. [ There's Jin Ling calling him useless, but let's face it, Jin Ling has such a low opinion of everybody besides himself and his uncle, so Ayabe's forced to take that assessment with a grain of salt too. ]
But it's your connection to your family, and you don't want to lose that. I get it.
no subject
[sometimes! your reputation sucks! even if he hasn't been deposed, well, he's not well-liked either.]
But- yes, it's-- something along those lines.
no subject
Well, you have your reasons, so I won't push it. Let's focus on getting out first, then we can worry on what we have to do once we're out of here.