[ for a while, she'll just be here, letting the alcohol sink in. she thinks she's finally okay enough to not... cry, every time she thinks about this. that's a good step.
it takes time. time they don't really have.
drunkenly, beau brings both her arms up and wraps them around nie huaisang's shoulders, hugging him properly, with a sniff. ]
Hey. I love you, you know that, right? [ she might've hesitated to say it while sober, but... all she can think of is the fact she didn't get to say it before phoenix died. and she has to do better. ]
[...for once, he can't say 'i know', because- he didn't. he knew they were close. they understand each other. but he didn't anticipate this, from her, from anyone. not after the way everything has been.
especially not considering that-- he thinks she at least suspects how he feels. but he understands beau well enough to know she wouldn't mislead him, that she trusts this to come across in the way she means it.
his grip on her tightens for a moment, holding her closer as he exhales a shaking breath. nie huaisang anticipates a lot of things, but this-- he didn't anticipate the way hearing it would feel. how it warms him but carries its own sort of small, dull sting at knowing they don't mean this in the same way.
he shifts just enough to nudge her face from his shoulder, drunk enough by now to turn his head and press a short kiss to her cheek. his voice is barely more than a whisper.]
[ she didn't want to say it. because - she knows, she knows she can't give him what he wants, because her love is like family, because she can't love him that way, it's just not how she's built. but she does trust him. she trusts him to know what she meant.
and she's not stupid. when he kisses her on the cheek and breathes out his reply, she holds him closer. closes her eyes. ]
I know. [ she murmurs, and she hopes he understands. ]
[he does. he suspected as much-- she's not stupid and he's well aware that she might have seen it. it's just... been better left alone, and he's appreciated that she doesn't feel the need to call him on it.
and maybe he should apologize, but- selfishly, he doesn't want to. he's not really sorry at all for it, only that it's happened when they're fundamentally incompatible. he just lets her hold him close, staying right where he is.]
It doesn't... have to change anything.
[things like this, like the affection she's given him-- she doesn't have to give them up. he doesn't want her to.]
[ she reaches up to tuck his hair behind his ear. in another reality, maybe - but she doesn't want to think about that. she can't change what either of them are.
quietly: ]
As long as it doesn't hurt you, babe. I don't want to hurt you. [ because she doesn't want to give it up either, but - she doesn't want to be a source of pain in a life she knows is already maxed out. ]
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it takes time. time they don't really have.
drunkenly, beau brings both her arms up and wraps them around nie huaisang's shoulders, hugging him properly, with a sniff. ]
Hey. I love you, you know that, right? [ she might've hesitated to say it while sober, but... all she can think of is the fact she didn't get to say it before phoenix died. and she has to do better. ]
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especially not considering that-- he thinks she at least suspects how he feels. but he understands beau well enough to know she wouldn't mislead him, that she trusts this to come across in the way she means it.
his grip on her tightens for a moment, holding her closer as he exhales a shaking breath. nie huaisang anticipates a lot of things, but this-- he didn't anticipate the way hearing it would feel. how it warms him but carries its own sort of small, dull sting at knowing they don't mean this in the same way.
he shifts just enough to nudge her face from his shoulder, drunk enough by now to turn his head and press a short kiss to her cheek. his voice is barely more than a whisper.]
...I think I love you too.
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and she's not stupid. when he kisses her on the cheek and breathes out his reply, she holds him closer. closes her eyes. ]
I know. [ she murmurs, and she hopes he understands. ]
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and maybe he should apologize, but- selfishly, he doesn't want to. he's not really sorry at all for it, only that it's happened when they're fundamentally incompatible. he just lets her hold him close, staying right where he is.]
It doesn't... have to change anything.
[things like this, like the affection she's given him-- she doesn't have to give them up. he doesn't want her to.]
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quietly: ]
As long as it doesn't hurt you, babe. I don't want to hurt you. [ because she doesn't want to give it up either, but - she doesn't want to be a source of pain in a life she knows is already maxed out. ]
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[because he won't lie and say it doesn't hurt whatsoever, that he never feels a pang when he's reminded-
but he'll accept that.]
I think- it would hurt more, for you to be more distant.
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Okay. Then I won't be. Distant. [ sniff. ] I'm sorry.
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[a quick shake of his head, there.]
You have nothing to be sorry for.
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... Okay. [ and then: ] I want more wine.
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[he reaches for the bottle he'd set aside--
but he takes a drink from it first, before passing it over.]